Relationship counselling includes your relationship to yourSelf. (See what I did there? Haha.) And why sometimes you need to tell your inner dialogue to f*ck off. Really!

It might sound woo-woo (which is I phrase I picked up somewhere in the last 6 months from who know’s where but I like it) but it’s true.

Relational living is unavoidable because your inner dialogue exists. Inner dialogue is not when you talk to yourself out loud, or even when you consciously choose talk to your self inside your head, or make a silent sassy comment. An inner dialogue is instinctive and immediate and out of your control. An inner dialogue is reactive tied to your sense of self (and self worth).

It’s that self-critic that tears you apart without permission, the anxiety you get when a silence goes on for too long in a group, the fear that someone doesn’t like you.

It can also be the a positive voice – immediate sense of gratification, feeling validated and connected, etc.

And you can backtalk your inner voice which relates back to how you cannot avoid relationships in life because you will always be in a relationship to yourself. Bummer, I know.

There can be a little bit of an element of CBT and ACT (disclaimer: I’m not massive fan of the models in my work) in the conversation if you want to “get rid” of anxious thoughts and build your self-compassion.

FYI: Self-esteem is built on a value based in comparison to others. Self-compassion is a feeling of warmth and kindness to yourself simply because you exist.

One question I ask clients (which some people may think is unprofessional) is that if they feel comfortable telling that self-critical voice to f*ck off. I know, I know. It’s a little (a lot) strong but it’s good gauge on how people see themselves and how much their concious mind vs subconcious mind are aligned in their motivations to change.

I tell myself to f*ck off all the time (sometimes). Less so now then a year ago. It brings humour into a shitty situation and it’s empowering. It brings energy with it’s aggression, it brings a sense of power and strength, it makes me think that I’m a badass, and it’s silly enough that it makes me smile.

I also swear heaps in my personal life (and some times in my professional life. Oops.) so it fits my personality. It may not fit everyone! And that’s a-ok!

You might prefer to gently say to that inner dialogue – “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay. You’re okay.” You can also add a thought or fact that challenges the negative dialogue but you don’t have to like – “Bosslady sent you an email after the last meeting about how she really appreciated your input in the group discussion and brainstorm. No reason why that’d be different now”. Sometimes with both people and your Self, a little compassion without confrontation can go a long way in quietening aggression and fear. That’s also a whole other blog – so many blog ideas and so little time (and energy let’s be honest).

Peace,

Michelle

Controversial Question: Do you need to love yourself to be able to love another?

Do you need to love yourself to be able to love another?

This is a question that’s come up a few times in the last month in my readings, audiobooks, discussions with colleagues, and now in my thoughts.

I can cite a bunch of blahblahblah this theorist says this, that theorist says that – but really what is your immediate visceral reaction?

Where do you think your belief came from? Your parents? The media? Has it ever caused any problems for you or your intimate relationships?

I won’t lie. I was a fierce proponent of “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else!” I think it is 200% true that you should focus on self-compassion (which is different to self-esteem; post on that to come) and prioritize self-care in this fast-paced chew you up and spit you out society.

However, does that mean you should avoid being vulnerable and dating until you’re 100% settled in your own skin?

Maybe. Maybe not. Context, as always, matters.

One of my core principles as a therapist is working transparently (translation: no bullshit). I’m going to throw out another controversial idea! Haha! I think dating is one of those things that may not be for everyone.  I think it’s fair enough for people to make a conscious decision to stay single.  Some people who do not have the emotional energy to give to a romantic partner with existing needs (e.g. mental health; children) and it’s best for their stress and wellbeing to focus on themselves. 

But!

If you’re using something like that as an excuse and not a genuine reason that it’s time to challenge yourself on what you really want, what you’re scared of, and what you want that you don’t even know you want.

If you are interested in the theoretical side of it look into Stan Tatkin (PACT), Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy), Dick Schwartz (Internal Family Systems), Gottman, Brene Brown for modern theorists’ view on it.

The (historical) pioneers of attachment theory were Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby.

My reflections on Emotionally Focused Therapy

I’ve been brushing up on my Emotionally Focused Therapy with Sue Johnson’s online course and her book/s. I’m far from an expert but so far it’s a model that really aligns with my main homeboys Attachment Theory and Family Systems Theory.

If I had to take only one thing from my study into Emotionally Focused Therapy, it would be to not get distracted by the content couples come in with (we never have sex anymore! the house is a mess! you’re rude to my mum! you had an affair! I don’t like the way you speak to me!). Under all this content is the root of the problem – disconnection.

Of course, the other things problems – but the root of ALL problems is the lack of emotional safety and security in your connection to each other to openly and unabashedly talk about it without anger, hurt, sadness or defensiveness.

The root of all discontent is disconnection.

The solution is safety and security in connection with another (your lover, your child, your mother, your Self).